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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25003933">If Only You Knew</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/blossomwritesthings/pseuds/blossomwritesthings'>blossomwritesthings</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>VIXX</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, BoyxBoy, Cutting, Depression, Drama &amp; Romance, Extreme angst, Gay, Heartbreaking, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Never written something like this before, References to Depression, Strong Language, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal feelings, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Triggers, VIXX KEO, and jaehwan is a broken man that needs fixing, anger issues, character may die, hakyeon is a sweet friend who's concerned, keo - Freeform, mature content, memberxmember, multipule trigger warnings, sanghyuk is a little shit but means well, selfharm, so please bear with me, taekwoon doesn't know what to do with himself, this is basically just a retelling of my own story, vixx angst fanfic, vixx leo x ken, your heart might break like mine did while i was writing this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:47:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,046</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25003933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/blossomwritesthings/pseuds/blossomwritesthings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>If a stranger looked at Jung Taekwoon and Lee Jaehwan's relationship just by basing it off from what they saw on the outside of things, they'd think that they were a happy, and in-love couple. </p><p>But in actuality; their lives were anything but peaceful and happy. When had it all begun? When had everything begun to fall apart? Taekwoon honestly didn't know the answers to those questions, and that wasn't the <i> only </i> thing that worried him. </p><p> </p><p>  <i> If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. You matter. </i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jung Taekwoon | Leo/Lee Jaehwan | Ken</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Searching for you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>* ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <b> extreme </b> care and caution.<br/>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. </em>
</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p> "Jaehwan, I'm home!" Taekwoon called out as he strode into his house's entryway. </p><p> </p><p> All was quiet in the house, and Taekwoon listened for his <em>sweet</em> boyfriend of four years, Lee Jaehwan, to reply to him. </p><p> </p><p> <em>But he never did</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon frowned, before slipping his shoes off and walking up the small stairs that lead to the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan worked at a convenience store, and always was home from work at least two hours <em>before</em> Taekwoon was. Of course, Taekwoon was a businessman, so most of the time, his usual release from his work was around eight P.M. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon would go find Jaehwan after he was done taking a shower. Taekwoon stripped himself of all of his clothing from that day; blue suit perfect for the businessman that he was. He sighed as he stepped into the shower, letting the hot water pound against his back. He took his time washing up, relishing in the warm and comforting feeling that the steamy bathroom was creating all around him. </p><p> </p><p> A little while later, Taekwoon stepped out of the bathroom, adorned in an oversized white t-shirt and large black workout shorts that stopped just above his knees (yes, those were his '<em>pajamas</em>'). He dried his hair with a hand towel as he moved around the house, pulling the fabric away to reveal his locks still dripping with water from his prolonged shower. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon grumbled under his breath before proceeding to search for his boyfriend, calling his name out in every room he entered. </p><p> </p><p><em> But Jaehwan was nowhere to be found</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  Taekwoon went downstairs to check and see if the younger had left a note saying that he would be out for the night, but he could find nothing of the sort. Jaehwan <em>always</em> left a note if he was going to be late. </p><p> </p><p> "Always disappearing when I want to talk to you..." Taekwoon grumbled under his breath. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon's mind traveled to the fight the two of them had had three nights before. He had gotten mad at Jaehwan because the younger male had burnt their dinner, and seeing as Taekwoon had had a bad day at work (which, granted, was no excuse), he snapped at Jaehwan, leading the younger to drop a bowl in surprise. The glass had shattered into millions of pieces, but Taekwoon didn't care about that. </p><p> </p><p>  He suddenly only cared about Jaehwan, realizing how much his words had hurt his boyfriend <em>fool</em>.</p><p> </p><p> "I-I'm sorry, I-I'll just get out of your way," Taekwoon remembers Jaehwan saying in a quiet voice. He watched as the younger male fought to hold his tears back, his body already trying to shrink into a smaller form. </p><p> </p><p><em>  He did that a lot.</em> </p><p> </p><p> "Jaehwan, I-" Taekwoon began but his boyfriend held up his hand to stop the conversation. </p><p> </p><p> "It's <em>okay</em>, Taek. I know you didn't...<em>mean it</em>." He said in a soft voice. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon's heart broke as he helped Jaehwan pick up the shattered pieces of glass. After they had finished cleaning up the mess, Jaehwan disappeared from the scene. He didn't make an appearance until late the next morning. </p><p> </p><p>  And after the whole ordeal, the two of them hadn't spoken to each other that much - save for the usual 'welcome homes,' 'good mornings,' and 'drive safes.' Taekwoon could just <em>feel</em> the heavy tension that hung in the air all around him, and it was starting to get on his nerves. </p><p> </p><p> But alas, Taekwoon chose to push those thoughts out of his mind for the time being, and just focus on making something to eat. Taekwoon took out a cup of ramen noodles from the kitchen's cabinet and proceeded to make his 'meal fit for a king,' as the box suggested. </p><p> </p><p> He sat down at the kitchen's countertop and looked around the house, a twinge of sadness stabbing his heart as he realized just <em>how</em> empty the place felt when Jaehwan wasn't around. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>When Jaehwan wasn't there to shine his light on the place</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon ate his meal in silence, absently scrolling through his social media on his phone. He scoffed as he passed a picture of one of his friends posing with his girlfriend. </p><p> </p><p> <em>They looked so happy together</em>.</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon suddenly felt the urge to look at a picture of him and Jaehwan, so he pulled up his favorite photo of them from a year before. Taekwoon was wearing his signature 'indifferent smile,' and Jaehwan had a dorky, cheeky smile that lit up his entire face <em>beautiful</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "Cute," Taekwoon laughed under his breath before catching himself and realizing that the younger male staring him in the face wasn't there with him right then and there. </p><p> </p><p> He decided to go look around the entire two-story house again. The place was spacious, with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. </p><p> </p><p><em>  Maybe Jaehwan hadn't heard him come home yet</em>? </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon sat dejectedly on the living room's couch whence his search for his boyfriend had ended unsuccessfully once again. He began contemplating what he should do next.  </p><p> </p><p> This wasn't like Jaehwan - that is, on most normal occasions. If the younger was going to meet a friend and Taekwoon wasn't home, he'd post a note on the kitchen's fridge. If Jaehwan wasn't going to make it home because he was caught up at work (though Taekwoon often wondered how a job at the convenience store could be <em>stressful</em>), he would text Taekwoon. If Jaehwan was going to visit his parents for the day, he'd call Taekwoon while he was at work to inform him about this panned outing for the day. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan <em>always</em> told Taekwoon where he was going, no matter the situation. That's why Taekwoon felt the familiar sense of panic slowly start to build in his chest at the possibility of <em>what if</em>. </p><p> </p><p> That is, Jaehwan always told him the places that he visited on his <em>good</em> days. But...on one of his <em>bad</em> days, or in one of his bad weeks, or <em>months</em> even, well...<em>that</em> was a different story. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan would 'disappear' - as Taekwoon liked to call it - for days on-end on one of his '<em>bad months</em>.' Jaehwan would be right there, sitting with the older male on their living room's couch, yet his spirit wouldn't be present. Taekwoon would often catch his boyfriend staring off into space <em>eyes always clouded</em>, his heavy thoughts clouding his mind.</p><p> </p><p> Of course, Taekwoon tried to help is boyfriend as much as be could, but there was only so much you could do for severe- <em>for severe depression</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon would hold Jaehwan in his arms late at night on one of his <em>bad</em> days, whispering words of comfort and love. Taekwoon often wondered whether the younger ever even listened to his words of praise, or if his heavy thoughts clouded his mind so much so that he couldn't comprehend what Taekwoon was saying to him. </p><p> </p><p> But Jaehwan had his '<em>good months</em>' too. Like the time when they took that favorite picture of Taekwoon's. Taekwoon remembered how Jaehwan had just gotten a raise at his job and one of his best friends had gotten married earlier that week. He was in high spirits for a while after that picture was taken. </p><p> </p><p> But then his boss got angry at him <em>dickhead</em> for screwing up the cash register at the convenience store and his older brother's wife had a miscarriage <em>heartbreaking</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>And Jaehwan was back to square one</em>. </p><p> </p><p> All of that grief at one time left Jaehwan utterly heartbroken. And it took months for Taekwoon to nurse him back to '<em>just okay</em>.' But for him, that was plenty enough<em> it was always just okay</em> when regarding Jaehwan's mental health. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon decided to stay up for a little longer. <em>Maybe Jaehwan had forgotten to send a note or text and left without telling him anything</em>? Jaehwan could be absent-minded <em>forgetful</em> like that. It was already past midnight by the time Taekwoon concluded that his boyfriend was for <em>sure</em> not coming home that night. </p><p> </p><p> As he sat on the living room's couch in silence, he contemplated <em>worried</em> about what his next move should be. </p><p> </p><p> <em>He then got an idea</em>. </p><p> </p><p> He'd just text him. Taekwoon smiled to himself for the brilliant <em>stupid</em> idea. But then he cursed himself for not thinking of doing so earlier in the evening.  </p><p>
  <em>~ To be continued... ~ </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow, I can't believe that I'm finally getting around to publishing this online. I think I started writing<br/>this piece back in the autumn of 2018, but it has taken me so long to finally publish this for many<br/>reasons. Many times I would write a little bit of this fic, and then stop for a long period of time<br/>because it was honestly so triggering to write sometimes.</p><p>Some of the feelings that Jae and Taek have in this are what I've<br/>I've also felt in the past - sometimes the feelings have lasted longer than other times.<br/>I would be lying if I said that I didn't cry while writing/editing this. The topics in this fic<br/>are some of the heaviest things I've ever written about, honestly. </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. No reply</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>* ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, strong language and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with  extreme care and caution.<br/></p>
</div>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. You matter.</blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, strong language and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. </em>
</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p><em>Taek:</em> <em>Hey, babe, where are you? </em><em>I looked all over the house but you weren't home. </em></p><p><em>Taek</em>: <em>Is everything okay? You didn't leave a note saying where you went. </em></p><p>
  <em>Taek: I'm starting to get worried, Jae... </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Taekwoon finished typing his last sentence before going into his photos again <em>a bad idea. </em>He pulledup a picture of him and his boyfriend from a month ago. Taekwoon dared not look, but his eyes instinctively trailed over to Jaehwan's left hand, which was giving the peace sign. He noticed the small cuts <em>scars</em> running all across his wrist, some were fainter than others, while some seemed like they were only a few days old. Taekwoon immediately got chocked up. </p><p> </p><p> <em>He hated seeing those</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  And Jaehwan knew that <em>so discerning</em> so he did his best to keep them hidden. He always wore long-sleeved shirts, and if he wore a sleeveless shirt - which was only <em>very</em> occasional - he tended to shove his hands in his jeans' pockets most of the time. </p><p> </p><p> Some of those scar's <em>wounds</em> were years old. Jaehwan's mental health had started to decline by the end of high school, and after that, while being under the pressure of starting college, he had had his first <em>breakdown</em>. </p><p> </p><p> That's when the cutting <em>harming</em> had begun. </p><p> </p><p> At least, that's the story that Jaehwan had told his boyfriend. Taekwoon took the younger's words with a grain of salt since he knew that Jaehwan didn't like to talk about his <em>shadowy</em> past. But Jaehwan would often slip and share little bits of information <em>a mistake </em>when he was drunk (which was on a rare occasion). Taekwoon never mentioned the graphic <em>dark</em> details his boyfriend would tell him about how bad his high school and college years had been. Taekwoon knew better than to utter those stories <em>nightmares</em> back to Jaehwan. He knew that bringing up those accounts would leave Jaehwan in an even lower <em>weaker</em> state than the one that he was currently in. But still, Taekwoon often cursed <em>blamed</em> himself for not meeting Jaehwan until they were both out of college. </p><p> </p><p> They had gone to the same college and would pass each other in the hallways of the school every day. Jaehwan always flashed him a tiny, bright <em>gorgeous</em> smile. And Taekwoon always kept the picture of the younger's beaming face in his head throughout his years at the university. But little did Taekwoon know then that behind that bright and friendly smile was a suffering <em>hurting</em> young man who just wanted to be loved <em>needed</em> by someone. Little did Taekwoon know that Jaehwan's heart was breaking day after day with despair. Little did Taekwoon notice those tiny cuts on the younger's wrists, as they continued to multiply daily. If he had just realized how much pain Jaehwan was in back then, maybe he could have saved him from further heartbreak. Maybe he could have stopped Jaehwan from cutting <em>hurting</em> so much back in those days. </p><p> </p><p> After they graduated from college, they didn't meet until two years later, when their mutual friend, Cha Hakyeon, introduced the two of them to each other on an outing together. Taekwoon immediately recognized the younger male by his brilliant features and they both connected <em>bonded</em> deeply to one another. Six months passed, and they were dating. And after a year of being together, Jaehwan moved into Taekwoon's home in the middle of Seoul, South Korea. </p><p> </p><p> It took a long time for Jaehwan to open up <em>speak</em> to Taekwoon about his depression. Thankfully, Taekwoon was very understanding and patient with his boyfriend, and never pushed him into saying anything he didn't feel comfortable about. </p><p> </p><p> It was five years later, and still, nothing had really changed <em>improved</em> since their first formal meeting with Hakyeon at that cafe. In all honesty, Jaehwan was currently in the same state as he had been five years before, and it pained <em>troubled</em> Taekwoon to think of it that way. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>But it was the cold, damn truth</em>. </p><p> </p><p> <em>Yes</em>, Taekwoon was proud of Jaehwan for making it this far, and <em>yes</em>; without his help, Taekwoon doesn't know if his boyfriend would have...made<em> survived</em> it this far. But <em>still</em>, Taekwoon often wondered if Jaehwan would <em>ever</em> truly get better? If he would <em>ever</em> be cured of this evil monster that ate away at his mind every day? </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon waited a few seconds for a reply from Jaehwan before he got a notification on his phone. He quickly opened up his phone's messaging app and read the new text. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Unknown number: Error code 406: The caller ID you are trying to reach does not exist. If you would like help regarding this issue, please call or text the number +19 000-000-0000 for assistance</em>. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Taekwoon's heart dropped <em>stopped</em> in his stomach upon reading the message. He had never seen a message like this before. After a few seconds of him being frozen in utter shock, he decided to call Jaehwan. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>Maybe his boyfriend's phone was acting up</em>? </p><p> </p><p> The other line rang a couple of times, and Taekwoon held his breath as the opposite line finally picked up after what felt like hours of eerily ringing. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Error code 406: The caller ID you are trying to reach does not exist. If you would like help</em>-" a woman's robotic voice came on the line but Taekwoon quickly hung up the call. </p><p> </p><p> "What the fuck is going on, Jaehwan?" He asked aloud. He threw his phone onto the couch and tilted his head back, utterly baffled by the whole situation. </p><p> </p><p> Maybe Jaehwan went out to get his phone replaced? He <em>had </em>dropped it a few days before - and the entire screen <em>had</em> cracked<em>.</em> Maybe the people at the phone store had to completely erase his ID and make a new one? Maybe it would take a while for Jaehwan to retrieve his data? Maybe he'd forgotten Taekwoon's number <em>impossible</em>? </p><p> </p><p>  Taekwoon was trying to make sense of the whole situation, but all of his conclusions were seemingly <em>never</em> adding up. </p><p> </p><p>  But if Jaehwan was planning on staying out all night to repair his phone, wouldn't he have left <em>at least</em> a note on the fridge informing Taekwoon of his whereabouts for the night?</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon was too tired to think anymore, and ultimately decided to wake up early the next morning to look for Jaehwan. He couldn't think properly when he was completely exhausted from a long day at work. He knew there must be a reason <em>there never was</em> for why his boyfriend wasn't home at <em>nearly</em> midnight. But he concluded that a good night's sleep would do the trick. Maybe this was all a dream and he'd wake up from it the next morning? Taekwoon <em>did</em> feel a little light-headed. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon made his way up the house's stairs and proceeded to get ready for bed, slipping off his slippers and leaning over his nightstand to turn off the light just before climbing in bed. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon stopped in his tracks<em> never stop</em> though, hand in mid-air, when he noticed a white envelope on his wooden nightstand. </p><p> </p><p> Intrigued, he lifted the envelope and studied it for a few seconds. The letter read '<em>Taekwoon</em>,' on the front of it, and he immediately recognized his boyfriend's neat <em>urgent</em> handwriting. </p><p> </p><p> He silently sat down on his shared bed with Jaehwan and proceeded to open the envelope, careful not to rip the edges of it. He pulled out a single piece of paper, confused as to why Jaehwan would write him a note like this when he could just text him, or better yet - leave a posted-note on the fridge. </p><p> </p><p> He began to read <em>no turning back now </em>and only then did Taekwoon realize that the white piece of paper was filled with letters on the front and back of it. It was a very long <em>note</em>. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>~ To be continued... ~</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Some people might find it offensive - or weird - to publish such a fic when there are so many bad things<br/>going on in the world these days, but to me, when times are especially hard for me, I like to read very<br/>depressing and/or melancholy fics to take my mind off of my own pain. It's oddly...comforting in a way<br/>(if that makes sense). </p><p>Also, I am in no way, shape or form 'romanticizing' suicide and/or depression by writing such a fanfiction.<br/>I had struggled with such things for years, so I think I have a right to write<br/>stuff like this if I want to - and besides, I never romanticize such things in this fanfiction, it's just something<br/>that I decided to add into the plot for my own personal reasons. </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The note</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p> * ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p><br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, strong language and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with  extreme care and caution.<br/></p>
</div>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. You matter.</blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, strong language and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. </em>
</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>  ...</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>  Dear Taekwoon, </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I know this isn't the ideal situation, and probably isn't the right time to be doing this, but I feel as though it needs to be done now - or else I'll never be able to do this. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>  I know you'll be looking for me tonight, and I know you're probably worried sick about me right now, but I'm...I'm alright. I wanted to take this time to tell you some things. These are some thoughts that I've never dared to say to you in person, but surprisingly; are easier for me to write out on paper. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>  So here goes nothing.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for always being weak. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for always being down. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for always seeming to have a negative look on the world. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for making you angry. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for being a bad cook. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for being clumsy. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for not wanting to sing with you when you ask me to. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry that I stopped going to counseling. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry that I have depression. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry that I turn to cutting on my worst days. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for constantly worrying you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for not sharing my true feelings with you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for being so fragile. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for not being able to take a joke. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for having a low-paying job. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for expecting you to pay for everything that I do in life. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for depending on you so much. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for being such a burden.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for being so quiet. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for not being able to express my emotions and feelings well enough. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for keeping certain things from you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>  I'm sorry that we ever fell in love. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry that I ever started liking you in the first place. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry that you got stuck with caring for me. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm sorry for only caring about myself. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'm...I'm sorry for living and taking up existence in this world. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I quit my job two days ago. Don't try to visit me there, because my boss hates me now. In this envelope is all of the money in my savings. I know it's not much, but it's the least I could do for you - but no amount of money will pay-back everything you'd done and sacrificed for me. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me for the rest of your life. I want you to find some other great person that's better than me, that's better for you. I've decided to leave for good Taekwoon, and there's nothing you can do to change my mind. Just know that it had nothing to do with you and that this is all my fault - it always has been. My leaving is something that I've decided and done on my own accord. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I don't hold any hard feelings against you, and you shouldn't hold any against me either. We were both young and dumb when we fell in love all those years ago, but I think it's time for me to let go now. I think it's time for me to finally say goodbye. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Please don't try to find me. It's better if I leave here...without anyone that I love around. If you are here with me, then I definitely won't be able to do it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Forget me, Taekwoon. Forget that I ever existed. Just erase me from your memory, and if I do come up in your mind one day, tell yourself that our time together was just a dream. It's better if we end things like this. I don't want you to see me in my...final state. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>  Live a good and happy life, Taekwoon. And know that I'm doing this out of love. I should leave now then drawl out this whole thing. Find someone else, and move on from me. I know you're strong enough to do so. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I love you, and I'm sorry for everything else I didn't mention above. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Goodbye, Taekwoon. Lead a peaceful life without me, knowing that I tried my hardest to hold on for this long. Be proud of me for a moment, before forgetting my existence. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That's all I ask of you, baby. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> - Lee Jaehwan </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>  ...</em>
</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon's heart stopped beating as he read the last words of the letter. He dropped the pice of paper <em>the horrid letter</em> on the floor and saw a bundle of cash fall out of the envelope out of the corner of his eye. Taekwoon's stomach twisted into knots, and before he realized it, warm, hot tears were trickling down his cheeks. He pressed a hand against his chest, trying to calm himself down, but nothing worked. </p><p> </p><p> He stayed in that position, crying on the bed that he shared with Jaehwan for what felt like an eternity. After a while, he finally managed to compose himself to think clearly. </p><p> </p><p>  But still, Jaehwan's heartbreaking words kept replaying in his mind, taunting him with every breath that he took. Taunting him to just end it too. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>After all, what was the point in living if he couldn't have Jaehwan be with him for the rest of his life</em>?  </p><p> </p><p>  Taekwoon could feel a cold fist wrap around his heart, tugging at his spirit with a vice-grip. His breath caught in his chest for a moment, his vision became blurry, his head turned to static. </p><p> </p><p> But no, he had to find <em>save</em> Jaehwan. </p><p> </p><p> Even though his boyfriend had asked him not to, Taekwoon wouldn't let him...<em>pass</em> alone. </p><p> </p><p> It was just past two in the morning, but Taekwoon was now fully-awake. He could still feel the cold grip straining against his heart, could still feel the sob rising in his throat, but he managed to push the feelings away. He had to <em>concentrate</em>.  </p><p> </p><p> The first place he went to was the police station just two blocks down from his house. </p><p> </p><p> "Please, ma'am, you have to help me find my boy- my friend!" Taekwoon said, pleading with the female police officer to help him find Jaehwan. </p><p> </p><p> "I <em>know</em>, sir. And I've already filed a missing statement on him. We'll contact you if we find anything," the young woman said in a calm voice. But Taekwoon could feel her judging gaze stare him down, questioning why he was getting so emotional over just a mere '<em>friend</em>.' </p><p> </p><p><em> Oh, if only she knew</em>. </p><p> </p><p> As Taekwoon walked out of the police station, he felt a heavy weight rest atop his shoulders. He knew better than to rely on the police to do anything about his boyfriend's crisis. He'd have to find him on his <em>own</em>; without the help of the rude policemen. </p><p> </p><p> After that, Taekwoon visited all of the places he knew Jaehwan liked to visit; the bookstore, the cute little cafe where the two of them had first met (Jaehwan adored that place, for obvious reasons), the local library, and even the grocery store. </p><p> </p><p><em>  But alas, Jaehwan wasn't at any of his favorite spots</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon kept his boyfriend's wishes and didn't visit his work. But as he passed by the familiar white building, with its bright, lime-green lights, he took a second to look into the windows, making sure his boyfriend wasn't in the shop. Of course, he wasn't, but Taekwoon had to make sure. </p><p> </p><p>  After a while of searching, he took a break from driving and entered a secluded park. He sat on one of the park benches in silence, contemplating what he should do next. Each time he stopped to think, he could feel his mind turning fuzzy again, could feel the air stop and freeze around him as his heart began to race with anxiety. But he had to be strong; both for his and Jaehwan's sake. </p><p> </p><p>  It wasn't just his boyfriend he was trying to save <em>protect</em> tonight. He was trying to save himself as well. </p><p> </p><p> After a few minutes of resting, Taekwoon decided to visit all of Jaehwan's closest friends' houses. That was the best chance he had at knowing his boyfriend's whereabouts. He first called his boyfriend's two brothers' places, asking them in the calmest voice he could muster up if they had seen Jaehwan. Of course, they hadn't, but Taekwoon could sense worry laced through their voices. Next, he called Hakyeon, which was a mutual best-friend they both shared. The older male hadn't heard anything from Jaehwan either, but he promised to help search for him after he hung up with Taekwoon.</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon couldn't think of anyone else to call besides Han Sanghyuk <em>the devil man-child</em>, but that was supposed to be his <em>last</em> resort. Sanghyuk had been Jahwan's best-friend since middle school, and they had gone to the same college as well. They still got together every few weeks, but with Sanghyuk being a successful ballad-singer, his schedule was always jammed-packed with different events. Taekwoon had never hated Sanghyuk, but he could always sense a grudge <em>bitterness</em> wedged between the two of them. He believed that Sanghyuk blamed him for a lot of things that happened to Jaehwan since they had started dating, and Taekwoon often wondered if Sanghyuk was <em>right</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon drove in silence to Sanghyuk's house. He had memorized the directions ever since he started to date Jaehwan since his boyfriend usually visited his friend in the privacy of the younger's own home ('<em>more safety for the rising star,' as Jaehwan liked to say</em>). </p><p> </p><p>  Taekwoon could feel his heartbeat painfully at the thought of Jaehwan. He was suddenly reminded of how sweet his boyfriend's voice sounded. It was like candy to his ears - so sweet and delicate - like Jaehwan himself. When they first began dating, Taekwoon would often try to persuade <em>urge</em> Jaehwan into singing, since he would sometimes hear the younger male in the shower. And <em>damn</em>, did that boy had a set of pipes on him. </p><p> </p><p>  But Jaehwan always said no to singing. And Taekwoon never said it, but he was often disappointed since he liked to sing and liked hearing other people sing to his favorite songs with him. Taekwoon relished in the day when he'd finally be able to hear Jaehwan's beautiful singing voice up close and personal. </p><p> </p><p>  Taekwoon had been so distracted by his thoughts that he hadn't realized that he had arrived at Sanghyuk's place. After he had parked his car outside of the younger male's apartment, he climbed up the three flights of stairs and rang the doorbell <em>reluctantly</em> for the first time in over eight months. He hadn't texted Sanghyuk to tell him that he was coming, and seeing as it was in the middle of the night, he didn't expect the young boy to be up at such an ungodly hour. Taekwoon waited in silence for a few minutes, before he knocked again and rang the doorbell a second time. </p><p> </p><p><em> Yes, he was being pushy, but yes; he was fucking desperate</em>. </p><p> </p><p> After a few moments, he heard a loud '<em>thump</em>' come from the younger male's apartment, and a little bit after someone was unlocking the front door. The door swung open to reveal a tired-looking Han Sanghyuk; bed-head hair, disheveled pajamas, and eyes droopy with annoyance. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>~ To be continued... ~</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow, this chapter was really hard to write, as I'm sure it was hard to read as well. Jaehwan's letter to<br/>Taekwoon is almost everything that I had intended to say in my own a few years ago. Thankfully, I'm<br/>much better now than I was back then, but I really do believe that I needed to suffer and<br/>survive through that hard - and very dark - time in my life so that I could help other people with my<br/>works; be it with my verbal words or my written words.</p><p>That might not make sense to any of you guys, but oh well haha I tried my best to communicate my<br/>intent in writing such a deep and heartbreaking chapter. &gt;_&lt;</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Weeping hearts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p> * ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <b> extreme </b> care and caution.<br/>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. </em>
</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>"What the hell do you <em>want</em>, Taekwoon?" he asked in a raspy voice. He had just been wakened, and by the looks of it, he wasn't keen on being woken by frienemies late at night. </p><p> </p><p> "I thought I would just come to stop by and say hi," Taekwoon said slowly. He didn't want to lay the information of Jaehwan's disappearance on him just yet. </p><p> </p><p> Sanghyuk gave him a knowing look. "Uh-huh, and I'm the king of England," he said sarcastically. </p><p> </p><p>  Nevertheless, Sanghyuk let the older male into his little shit-hole of an apartment. They sat down on what seemed to be the living room's couch, although Taekwoon couldn't decipher whether it was a couch or a make-shift bed. There were candy wrappers and half-eaten ramen cups sprawled all over the apartment's floor, dirty clothes hanging off of the kitchen's wooden chairs, video game controllers left absently around the house, and <em>hundreds upon hundreds</em> of video game cases <em>typical</em> stacked high in the corner of the living room. The kitchen's sink had a pile of dirty dishes a mile-high, and there was a ton of other miscellaneous crap covering the kitchen table. Not to mention the one lamp in the entire apartment, which Sanghyuk has just turned on. Taekwoon looked around and <em>frowned</em> scoffed. He had never been inside the place for this reason <em>alone</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon was a very neat and tidy person, and it bugged him when he saw Jaehwan hanging around losers <em>dickheads</em> like Sanghyuk who didn't know the first thing about washing a bowl. The two men sat in silence for a few minutes, Taekwoon truly appalled by the state that the younger's apartment was currently in. </p><p> </p><p> "Would you like something to drink? I've got beer, water, and juice," Sanghyuk finally said in a bored tone. He laid across one end of the couch <em>improper </em>whileTaekwoon sat on the other one. </p><p> </p><p> "Coming from that filthy kitchen? Thanks, but I think I'll pass," Taekwoon retorted. Sanghyuk got up and glared <em>shot daggers</em> at the older male before walking to the kitchen and filling a glass of water for himself. </p><p> </p><p> "Suit yourself." </p><p> </p><p> After Sanghyuk had taken his seat back on the weird couch/bed contraption, the apartment fell into silence again. </p><p> </p><p> "Why are you <em>really</em> here, Taekwoon? You never visit me unless you're picking up Jaehwan, and even then; you've never once invited yourself into my apartment. Besides, it's almost three in the morning," Sanghyuk said in a skeptical tone, "what? Are you and Jae having relationship issues? I told him to dump you a long time ago." </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Jaehwan's gone missing</em>," Taekwoon said in a low voice, but he knew that the younger had heard him. </p><p> </p><p> Sanghyuk immediately stopped swirling his drink with his hand and put the glass down on the living room's coffee table (pushing more crap away from the table to make room for the cup, <em>of course</em>). The room was heavy with tension, and the younger male stayed quiet. </p><p> </p><p> "I thought maybe you could help me. I know you two are close, a-and maybe-" Taekwoon's voice was filled with heartbreak, but Sanghyuk cut him off before he could continue. </p><p> </p><p> "Jaehwan doesn't want you to find him, Taekwoon. He made that clear." </p><p> </p><p> "W-what does that mean? Are you saying you won't help me find my boyfriend? Are-are you saying I should just listen to what he instructed of me in that stupid let of his? Are you saying I throw away our relationship and leave him to die alone?" Taekwoon asked, his voice rising audibly with rage, "I know he told you where he was going to be. If it's anyone he trusts more than me it's <em>you</em>, Sanghyuk!" </p><p> </p><p> Sanghyuk clenched his jaw, looking away from the older male. He knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his promise to Jaehwan if he saw how broken Taekwoon was at the moment. Sure, he might have hated him most of the time, but in the back of his mind, he knew that this older male in front of him shared half of his heart with Jaehwan. </p><p> </p><p> <em> If Jaehwan just ended it now, he knew that Taekwoon wouldn't be able to live with himself</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon watched as Sanghyuk continued to stay silent, the younger male clenched his palms in anger. </p><p> </p><p> "Just please-<em>please</em>, Sanghyuk...just <em>please</em> tell me where Jaehwan is..." Taekwoon cried out now, hiccups cutting through his words. </p><p> </p><p>  He was <em>crying</em>. He was <em>crying</em> in front of this young <em>bastard</em> of a man. But at the moment, he didn't give a damn what he looked like. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon got onto the floor and knelt in front of Sanghyuk's knees, urgently grasping for his hands and making the younger finally look up at him. Sanghyuk's gaze was a mix of emotions. His lips were pursed in defiance, yet his warm brown eyes softened upon looking at Taekwoon's broken figure in front of him, begging him to give him the details he so desperately wanted. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>Begging him to help save his boyfriend. Begging him to help save Sanghyuk's own best friend and comrade</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "I-I <em>can't</em>, Taekwoon." </p><p> </p><p> A pause on Sanghyuk's end again. </p><p> </p><p> "I can't do that to both of you...The last time I saw Jaehwan...he wasn't in the best of <em>states,</em>" Sanghyuk said. His voice broke a tiny bit as he closed his eyes shut to hide any emotion that was starting to bubble up inside of him. </p><p> </p><p> "W-what do you mean? What happened?" Taekwoon asked. He continued to squeeze Sanghyuk's hands, tears already falling down his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p> "He looked...So <em>pale</em>...And when I went to hug him...I almost thought he'd break under my touch. He was so...So weak-looking and thin...I-" Sanghyuk explained in a low voice. His voice cracked again, heartbreak filling his tone this time. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon didn't let him speak anymore but stood up and pulled Sanghyuk up along with him, giving him a tight hug, chin resting atop the younger's broad <em>strong</em> shoulders as the two wept together in grief. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Please</em>...Sanghyuk...just <em>tell</em> me where he is..." Taekwoon whispered in the younger male's ear. Taekwoon and Sanghyuk's bodies shook together in unison <em>shook together as if they had been best friends for a long time</em> as they both cried. </p><p> </p><p> "I-I <em>can't</em>..." Sanghyuk answered after a few moments of silence on his part. </p><p> </p><p>  Taekwoon gripped the fabric of Sanghyuk's shirt tighter than before and the younger held onto him for dear life, clinging like a baby-bear cub to its mama. </p><p> </p><p> "You <em>must</em>," Taekwoon urged in a sterner tone than before. He pulled away from the younger's frame and stared him in the eyes. </p><p> </p><p> Sanghyuk finally broke-down and told Taekwoon the coordinates to the motel that Jaehwan was supposedly staying<em> ending it</em> at. The drive to the remote village was over six hours away, so Taekwoon would have to start the journey right away. </p><p> </p><p> "Thank you, Sanghyukie," Taekwoon said in a lighter tone now. He hugged the boy again, but as he pulled away a moment later, this time he wiped the younger's tears away with gentle fingers. </p><p> </p><p> "I-I'm not certain that he'll be at the motel, so I'll help search for him back here. I'll inform the police and the motel's manager," Sanghyuk said. His voice was still raw and thick from crying. </p><p> </p><p> "Okay. Thank you, <em>Sanghyuk</em>." </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon had never gotten this close to Sanghyuk before, but now that he had, albeit with desperation in finding <em>saving</em> his boyfriend, he realized that maybe Sanghyuk wasn't <em>so</em> much of an asshole as he perceived him to be. And maybe Sanghyuk kinda sorta liked him? And maybe they could become friends one day when things got a whole lot better than the current circumstances?</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon quickly proceeded to go to Sanghyuk's front door. He had to start moving if he was to find <em>rescue</em> Jaehwan in time. </p><p> </p><p> <em>That is if he was still...here</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "Thanks, again, Sanghyuk," Taekwoon said as he stood in the apartment's doorway, one foot already out the door. </p><p> </p><p> "Don't think I've come to like you just because of this, <em>grandpa</em>," Sanghyuk said in annoyance, though Taekwoon saw right through his tough-guy fisadé, already noticing the young and playful boy beginning to shine through. </p><p> </p><p> "I wouldn't dream of it," Taekwoon retorted back sarcastically. He leaned into the younger male and ruffled his hair playfully, before finally pulling out of the apartment. </p><p> </p><p> "Bye! I'll call you when I get to the police station! Drive safe alright, and update me on everything!" Sanghyuk yelled from the door of his apartment as he watched the older male make his way down his building's hallway and to the stairs to get to the parking garage. Taekwoon didn't reply but waved a hand in the air, signaling that he got the message. A few beats later and he got to his car and started the engine, sitting in the driver's seat for a few minutes to process everything that had just happened. </p><p> </p><p> He looked down at the piece of paper that had the coordinates to the place where Jaehwan was staying and entered the directions into his phone's maps. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon sat there in the silence of his car, mind racing with thoughts. He wanted to start driving right away, but his worry was slowly taking ahold of his mind once again <em>like it always did</em>. </p><p> </p><p> What if Jaehwan hadn't made it? What if Taekwoon was too late? What if Jaehwan was...gone.</p><p> </p><p> <em> But oh, fuck, he couldn't think about that yet</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Before Taekwoon could control himself, he felt warm tears starting to trail down his face, his heart clenching in heartbreak. He grabbed ahold of his jacket and pulled at the fabric, trying to steady his racing heart. He cried for a long time, resting his forehead against the steering wheel and letting himself sob in the quiet of his car. </p><p> </p><p>  He didn't know how much longer he could take <em>survive</em> this. He didn't know how much longer he could stand the cold grip on his mind and heart. </p><p><br/>
<em>~ To be continued... ~</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you guys enjoy these next two chapters! They're reallyy angsty and very heavy on<br/>the emotions, so bring your tissues, a warm blanket, and hot tea to keep you comfort! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. An unlocked door</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>* ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <b> extreme </b> care and caution.<br/>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitible for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. ~</em>
</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>But after a while, he managed to pull himself together and started the long, 7-hour drive to where Jaehwan was supposed to be. Taekwoon practically drove all night, only stopping once to go to the restroom. He couldn't believe Jaehwan had gotten so far in such a little amount of time. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon got a few phone calls from the police station in his area as he drove, telling him that they couldn't find anything on Jaehwan. He told them that he was on his way to his '<em>friend</em>,' and that they didn't have to keep searching for the man anymore. Sanghyuk also called and asked how things were doing. His voice was devoid of any emotion, but Taekwoon could still hear the slight crack in his tone, indicating that he was worried about the whole situation. Sanghyuk also told him that he had been in contact with the police of his area, working with them to make sure Jaehwan hadn't strayed from his place at the motel.  </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon assured Sanghyuk that everything was fine, meanwhile, his mind was racing with thoughts, hands gripping the steering wheel in stress. Taekwoon didn't know how he managed to get to his destination in one piece, seeing as half of the time his vision was blurred with tears. </p><p> </p><p> But <em>finally</em>, he arrived in the little town where Jaehwan was supposedly <em>hopefully</em> at. It was remote, and the streets were practically dead in the early hours of the morning. </p><p> </p><p> There was only one motel in the entire town, so it was easy for Taekwoon to find the place. He quickly parked his car in the place's lot and walked into the lobby, seeing an elderly woman who was almost asleep sitting behind the front desk. The motel was a total and complete <em>dump</em>. The flower wallpaper was peeling off of the walls <em>typical</em>, the furniture was outdated and stained, there was an old tv on in the corner of the small room with the volume streaming out of it a quiet manner, and there was an odd, musty smell that hit Taekwoon in the face as he entered the place. </p><p> </p><p> "Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm looking for a person named 'Lee Jaehwan.' I believe he's staying here," Taekwoon said in the most polite tone he could muster at the moment. He was now at the front desk, eyeing the elderly woman with <em>impatience</em> urgency. </p><p> </p><p> The old woman stirred from her sleep and looked Taekwoon up and down, confusion painting her face before her brows creased and her lips turned down into a deep frown. "Sorry, but I'm not allowed to give customers information out to strangers." </p><p> </p><p>  The woman's voice was raspy like she had been smoking for a long time. She yawned, obviously not caring about the situation that Taekwoon was currently in. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Please</em>, ma'am, my friend is staying here and I don't know if he- if he- if he's still <em>around</em>..." Taekwoon pressed, tears starting to brim his eyes for the millionth time that day. The elderly woman was silent for a few moments, looking Taekwoon up and down and judging what she should do.</p><p> </p><p> "Fine, but you better be who you say you are," she said bitterly as she looked down at a piece of paper in front of her, putting on her glasses to read its contents. "Lee Jaehwan, room 324. It's on the third floor." </p><p> </p><p> "Thank you, ma'am," Taekwoon whispered, bowing his head in thanks as he turned and quickly walked down the hallway before starting up the stairs. There were only three floors to the small motel, and judging from the parking lot, it didn't look like there were a lot of customers staying that day.</p><p> </p><p>  But Taekwoon doubted many people visited the remote town. He could tell it was a dump even from only glancing around the area outside the motel's parking lot. </p><p> </p><p>  It was a perfect place to <em>end it</em> leave. No one was around; no one would bother <em>Jaehwan</em> you. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon got to the third floor and quickly walked down the hallway, stopping just in front of Jaehwan's door. </p><p> </p><p> He wasn't ready to find out what had happened to his boyfriend. He was afraid of the outcome. He was worried that the worst-case <em>horrid</em> scenario had played out. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>He was worried that Jaehwan</em>...</p><p> </p><p><em>  That Jaehwan</em>...</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon tried to clear his mind of his sown dark thoughts and took a deep breath. A moment later he was knocking softy on the room's door. He waited a few seconds for an answer, but none came. He tried the doorknob and it turned easily. </p><p> </p><p> <em>It wasn't locked</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>Shit</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon silently entered the room and looked around. The place looked just like the lobby, but everything was <em>neat</em>. There was an old tv in the corner of the room, and to the left, Taekwoon could make out a small bedroom with a rusty bed frame and wardrobe. There was a worn-out couch in the living space and a fridge and microwave right next to it. </p><p> </p><p> There was another room to the right, which Taekwoon speculated to be the bathroom. </p><p> </p><p>  The door was closed, but Taekwoon <em>hoped</em> that that was just a <em>coincidence</em>. </p><p> </p><p> The place was completely quiet, except for the faint sound of running water. He <em>hoped</em> that the noise was just another person in the room beside's the one he was currently in now, and <em>not</em> coming from Jaehwan's bathroom. Taekwoon took a deep breath and decided to search the bedroom first since Jaehwan was not in the small living room. </p><p> </p><p> The lonely bedroom was empty. Taekwoon made sure to thoroughly look over the entire room. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>But alas, he didn't find his boyfriend</em>. </p><p> </p><p> He walked out of the bedroom and neared the bathroom, stopping his movement when his hand landed on the doorknob. He said a silent prayer, hoping that Jaehwan was just behind the door, taking a shower or fixing his hair - something harmless. </p><p> </p><p> <em> Something that wasn't life-threatening</em>. </p><p> </p><p> The silence ate at Taekwoon's confidence, and his anxiety slowly started to cloud his mind <em>again</em>. But just as he got a drip on his mind, he realized that the sound of the running water was coming from just behind the bathroom door. </p><p> </p><p> Before he could think any more he swung the door open. </p><p> </p><p><em>  But his body froze upon seeing a figure floating in the bathtub</em>. </p><p> </p><p> The tub's water was running, and the clear liquid had overflowed over the porcelain tub and was slowly rising above the bathroom's floor. As soon as Taekwoon opened the door, a small wave of water came rushing out towards him and soaked his gym-shoes straight through. The bathroom's one small window and mirror were completely fogged up, and the air was heavy with <em>sadness</em> moisture. </p><p> </p><p> He didn't want to look at the sight in front of him, but he knew that he <em>had</em> to do something about it. </p><p> </p><p> There was his boyfriend, Lee Jaehwan, dressed in an oversized black hoodie and sweatpants, the clothes now completely soaked through. His hair was damp with sweat, eyes closed and mouth slightly parted. </p><p> </p><p> His entire body was covered in clothing, but Taekwoon didn't need to see his wrists to know what Jaehwan had been doing before he had arrived <em>too</em> <em>late</em>. And <em>oh gosh</em>, his clothes were so baggy on him. </p><p> </p><p><em>  Sanghyuk had been right</em>. </p><p>  </p><p> Whenever Jaehwan was really depressed and began to cut, he'd wear this same black, oversized hoodie. Taekwoon knew that Jaehwan tried his best to conceal his wounds, knowing how seeing them <em>broke</em> pained Taekwoon. </p><p> </p><p> The bathtub's water was well past his shoulders, but Jaehwan's face was...<em>peaceful</em>, in a sense. Like he was in a deep...<em>sleep</em>. And there was a bottle of pills sitting atop the bathroom's countertop, the top of the container open, half of the pills already probably <em>taken</em> gone. </p><p> </p><p> Before Taekwoon could register what he was doing, he had already strode to the tub, quickly turning off the tap that was running slowly and moving to his boyfriend's side. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Jaehwan</em>? Jaehwan, <em>speak</em> to me, baby," Taekwoon said, in an <em>anxious</em> urgent tone. </p><p> </p><p><em> But there was no reply</em>. </p><p> </p><p> And Taekwoon thought he had done it. This time; Jaehwan had finally succeeded in leaving <em>him</em> this world. </p><p> </p><p> "Baby...<em>please</em>, speak to me. Don't do this to me; don't leave me like this. P-Please, I-I'm begging you," Taekwoon now cried. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's shoulders and hoisted him out of the tub - it didn't take much effort since Jaehwan was so thin. He grabbed a towel that was on a nearby shelf and wrapped Jaehwan's body in it as best he could. </p><p> </p><p> His body was so cold. Taekwoon touched his skin and it felt <em>gone</em> lifeless. Taekwoon sobbed even more upon this realization. Pressing Jaehwan against his body with all his might, as if his warmth would heal the younger's brokeness. </p><p> </p><p> The only sound in the little motel room was Taekwoon's sobs, his boyfriend seemingly laying lifeless in his arms. He stayed there for a long time, but he was becoming too tired of making the effort to cry any more. He had shed so many tears over the past day, he didn't know if he had any more left in his. His eyes burned and felt <em>so</em> swollen. Taekwoon was so emotionally drained and spent, he just wanted to forget all of this and pretend that it was all just a <em>nightmare</em> bad dream. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>~ To be continued... ~</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Another emo and angsty chapter in this series. But then again, who am I kidding? This whole fic is SUPPOSED to<br/>be emo and angsty lol. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter; I worked superr hard on this series, so much so that<br/>it took me like two years to finally feel like it was good enough to publish ahah. </p><p>Anyways, have a great day/night everyone. Stay safe, healthy and happy. I love you! :3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. A helping hand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>* ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <b> extreme </b> care and caution.<br/>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. </em>
</p><p>~</p><p>Taekwoon finally managed to calm down a little bit, resting his head against his boyfriend's chest. He stayed silent for a while, not wanting to come to terms with the fact that his lover - the other piece to his heart - was...<em>gone</em>. </p><p> </p><p> As he lay there, cradling his boyfriend and pressing his ear against the younger's chest, he started to hear a faint...<em>beating</em> sound. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>Like the beating of a heart</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  It was very small and quiet, but it was <em>there</em>, and that was enough to awaken Taekwoon's senses and force him to spring up from the ground. If there was a small chance that Jaehwan was still alive, it would be only for this moment, Taekwoon thought to himself as he held onto his boyfriend's light body, racing through the motel and to his car. </p><p> </p><p> He didn't have time to call an ambulance, so he decided to find the closest hospital with his phone's GPS and drive there <em>himself</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "It's going to be <em>okay</em>, baby, you're going to <em>make it</em>," he said to <em>the beautiful boy lying next to him</em> Jaehwan, but more to himself than anything else. "Just hold on a little bit longer, hmm? <em>Fight</em> to stay with me, Jae." </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon pressed hard on the gas pedal and drove as fast as he could to the hospital. It was only a ten-minute drive from the motel to the hospital, and every second that passed by made him <em>more</em> anxious. As soon as he entered the small hospital's grounds and parked, he raced up to the ER unit, bursting through the doors with Jaehwan hanging possibly-lifelessly in his arms. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Please</em>! Someone, help me! He's <em>dying</em>, please, <em>help</em>! I need a doctor!" Taekwoon shouted at the top of his lungs, garnering everyone's attention from the people at the front desk to the bystanders waiting to be seen. </p><p> </p><p> "What's wrong with him?" A woman asked, as she walked up and helped Taekwoon hold onto Jaehwan. Her attire was a white fitted dress with black heels, so Taekwoon assumed that she was a nurse. </p><p> </p><p> "I found him in a bathtub, and I think he took a lot of pills, and his body is really cold, and I don't know-" Taekwoon started to explain but was suddenly stopped by the woman in front of him. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Okay</em>, we'll see what we can do," she said, before yelling out some things Taekwoon couldn't understand. A moment later, a band of more nurses came around with a wheeling bed and placed Jaehwan on it before rushing him through the ER's main doors. </p><p> </p><p> "And how are you related to this <em>man</em>, sir?" The nurse asked Taekwoon after she had gotten some basic information on Jaehwan. </p><p> </p><p> "I-I'm his...I'm his <em>boyfriend</em>," Taekwon hesitated to tell the truth, but finally managed to say it out loud in the strongest voice he could muster. And he could tell the people around him were in shock at what he had just said. The young woman looked up at her chalkboard, dark bangs hanging just above her eyes. She studied Taekwoon for a moment, before placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it lightly. A small smile was now stretching across her lips. </p><p> </p><p> "Well, we'll try to save him as best as we can..." She said to him, prompting for his name. </p><p> </p><p> "I-it's Taekwoon. <em>Jung Taekwoon</em>," he replied, bowing his head in gratefulness. Usually, when he said that Jaehwan was his boyfriend, he got a lot of stares and curse words thrown at him - he never got a warm hand to the shoulder and a sweet smile. </p><p> </p><p> "Well, I'm <em>Arisa</em>," the nurse said, shaking Taekwoon's hand gently. "But you'll have to let me go now, so that I may assist the doctors in saving your boyfriend." </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon's eyes widened at the mention of Jaehwan. "<em>Please</em>, can I come with you?"</p><p> </p><p> Arisa looked at the tall man in front of her before shaking her head, a sad look now on her face. "I'm sorry, but no one is allowed back <em>there</em> unless they're hospital staff."</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon hung his head in utter defeat, but rose it once again when he felt a friendly hand pat him on the back. </p><p> </p><p> "I'll try my best to save Jaehwan, okay?" Arisa said, and gave Taekwoon a hopeful smile, before vanishing behind the automatic doors of the ER. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon slumped in a seat in the nearby waiting area. The hospital wasn't particularly busy, with only a few <em>older</em> people seated around him. He fiddled with his hands before pulling out his phone, only to remember that it had died a long time ago and he didn't have his charger on him. </p><p> </p><p> <em>So Taekwoon waited</em>. </p><p> </p><p> <em>And waited</em>. </p><p> </p><p> <em>And waited</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Ever so often he'd look at the small clock on the ER's waiting room's wall, and <em>become restless</em> sigh as he watched the time slowly tick by. How long would it take for them to save Jaehwan? Was it even possible for them <em>to</em> save him? Was he too far gone to receive help? </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon felt a pounding headache come on him as he sat in that uncomfortable waiting chair. His right leg bounced up and down anxiously, and he began to close his eyes to try and soothe the painful migraine that was slowly creeping upon him. He <em>knew</em> that all of that crying would eventually lead to a splitting migraine. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Jung Taekwoon</em>?" He heard a woman call out to him after a long time. He opened his eyes and stood up from his seat. He was relieved to see Arisa standing in front of him. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Yes</em>? How is he? What happened?" Taekwoon asked her, coming closer to her and taking her hand into his own with a gentle grip. He squeezed it slightly. </p><p> </p><p> "He's going to be <em>all-right</em>. Thankfully, you brought him to us <em>just in time</em>. Any later and he wouldn't...he wouldn't have been able to be saved. But we managed to save him. All of the pills are out of his system and the medicine we gave him calmed him down a lot. He's currently sleeping in his room right now," Arisa explained in a calm voice, and just as she had finished her report on Jaehwan's health, Taekwoon leaned into her and buried his face into her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p> He barely knew this young girl, and was a lot taller than her - almost five inches - but that didn't matter. She had just told him that the love of his life, <em>Lee Jaehwan</em>, was safe and alive, that he was going to be okay, that he was currently resting in a comfy bed, away from any danger. He cried silently into Arisa's shoulder for a long time, with them standing in the ER's waiting room. She looped her arms around his waist, holding him lightly. They were all alone except for the two women at the front desk, silently watching the scene unfold. Arisa patted Taekwoon's back, and after a long time, after he had finally stopped crying, she pulled him away from her body. </p><p> </p><p> "Ahh, stop these tears, he is <em>safe</em>. Here, why don't I take you to him?" She suggested in a nurturing tone, wiping away Taekwoon's excess tears with gentle <em>caring</em> fingers. He nodded silently as she took his hand and lead him to Jaehwan's room. It was on the fifth floor, room 512. The hallway was silent, everyone already asleep in their consecutive rooms. </p><p> </p><p> "This is it. I'll leave you two alone. If you need anything, just ring the red bell by the side of the bed, okay?" Arisa instructed as he stopped just in front of Jaehwan's door. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon nodded silently. "Thank you, <em>Arisa</em>."</p><p> </p><p> She bowed slightly before retreating down the hallway and back to the elevator. Taekwoon stood in front of the door, taking a deep breath and concentrating his mind on something <em>other</em> than worrying and depressing thoughts. The last time he had waited to open a door like this, he had found his boyfriend passed out, and almost dead in a tub full of water. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>~ To be continued... ~</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow, it's been soo long since I've updated this fic lol. So sorry for the long wait guys, life here<br/>has been quite crazy...to say the least hahaha... </p><p>Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. And don't forget to comment your thoughts! :))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Every time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>* ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><p></p><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <b> extreme </b> care and caution.<br/>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. </em>
</p><p>~</p><p>Taekwoon slowly opened the door, careful that he didn't make too much noise to wake a sleeping <em>prince</em> Jaehwan. He sat down in one of the chairs beside the hospital bed. There was a single light turned on in the room, with the curtain's being open and the moon and starry night sky shining through in a hazy light. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan looked so calm sleeping there, under all of those hospital blankets. His dark brows weren't creased, and there wasn't a deep frown on his lips. His dark brown hair was slightly tousled, and his plump red lips were parted. He looked like the male version of a <em>sleeping beauty</em>. <em>Perfect</em> in every way, shape, and form. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon slowly reached out to his boyfriend and grasped Jaehwan's hand, squeezing it gently. "You <em>fought</em>, baby. And I'm <em>so proud </em>of you," he said in a low voice. </p><p> </p><p> The room was silent for a long time, and Taekwoon rested his head atop of the hospital bed's mattress, breathing slowly, as he listened to any sound from Jaehwan, indicating that he was awaking from his slumber. </p><p> </p><p> Then finally, there was movement on the bed, and as Taekwoon rose his head slowly, his gaze was caught by Jaehwan's own. His boyfriend's dark brown eyes were <em>familiar</em> warm - inviting even - like he hadn't just tried to kill himself hours prior. Before they could say anything to one another, Taekwoon leaned over to Jaehwan and brought him into a loose <em>always too loose</em> hug. The tears were already falling violently. They stayed like that for a while, until Jaehwan managed to pull the older male away from him. Taekwoon captured his lips in a soft <em>desperate</em> kiss, one of want and sorrow. </p><p> </p><p> "I-I'm s-so <em>sorry</em>, Jaehwan," he gasped in between sobs, clutching onto his boyfriend for dear life. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan chuckled lowly, which made Taekwoon's heart flutter. Even if it was a small thing, hearing his soft laughter wash over the room forced a crashing wave of relief over Taekwoon. </p><p> </p><p><em>  He was safe</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>They were safe</em>. </p><p> </p><p><em>  For now, that is</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "Please, don't apologize. <em>I </em>should be the one saying sorry," Jaehwan finally said, and his voice was slightly raspy from not using it in such a long time. </p><p> </p><p> "N-no. Don't say that, Jae. If it wasn't for <em>me</em>, you wouldn't be in the ER right now."</p><p> </p><p> For a moment, a look of sadness flashed across Jaehwan's face, almost like he had forgotten where he was and suddenly remember; all too quickly. But he quickly shooed it away and replaced the shock <em>dread</em> with a calm expression. </p><p> </p><p><em> But they couldn't pretend anymore</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  Taekwoon was <em>done</em> acting like everything was okay; because it <em>wasn't</em>. </p><p> </p><p><em>  None of it was okay</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  Not his temper, not Jaehwan's sadness and anxiety and depression. None of it was okay. Their relationship was hanging on by a single thread, and that thread was the <em>pure love</em> that Taekwoon had for his boyfriend. </p><p> </p><p><em>  But they couldn't survive on that</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  Jaehwan couldn't survive on Taekwoon's pathetic excuse for a '<em>relationship</em>.' He couldn't survive the older male's random outbursts of anger. He couldn't survive his inner turmoil alone. And Taekwoon couldn't survive on the thought of Jaehwan's happiness fading quickly, too fast for him to grab ahold of. He couldn't survive <em>live</em> on watching the love of his life crumble into a million pieces just because he was an idiot. He couldn't survive on living the rest of his life full of<em> jaded with</em> guilt and shame. He couldn't survive on the thought of losing Jaehwan, because he had been so...so <em>unresponsive</em> to him. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon didn't know how to put all of his thoughts into words, but <em>finally</em>, he managed <em>forced</em> to get something out after a while. "We need help; you need help, I need help. We both need to go to relationship counseling and get this shit worked out."</p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan's brows creased slightly, as he looked down at his hands and played with his fingers the way he always did when he was slowly becoming anxious. Taekwoon didn't want to see what laid just behind the hospital gown his boyfriend was currently wearing. He grimaced at the thought of seeing those red scars, old <em>and</em> new, splayed across Jaehwan's beautiful and perfect <em>and whole</em> skin. </p><p> </p><p> "Remember what I said in my <em>letter</em>, Taekwoon.</p><p>I want you to find someone else to be happy with. You know we were never meant to be together, so just...<em>just leave and settle down with someone better than me</em>," Jaehwan finally said, and the air in the room became still - heavy with abrupt shock. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon looked up at his boyfriend, and his heart shattered at Jaehwan's dark orbs dancing with a sad light. He was staring right back at him, his face devoid of any emotion whatsoever. </p><p> </p><p>  And oh, how good Jaehwan was at keeping a straight face; even when his inner-demons were corroding the inside of his mind. He would've looked fine to anyone else; but not to his boyfriend. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>Taekwoon knew better than to believe those lies</em>. </p><p> </p><p> He was <em>depressed</em>, and seemingly nothing was going to completely take that away. But <em>still</em>, Jaehwan could at least <em>try</em> to live a better life than the one he was living <em>now</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "I know, but do you honestly expect me to-" Taekwoon started to say, but was quickly cut off by his boyfriend. </p><p> </p><p> "Just...just <em>don't</em>. <em>Look at me, Taekwoon</em>. I'm pathetic. Laying here in this hospital bed, making the talented doctors and nurses here work hard to save me. Making you find me because you care about me. Burdening Sanghyuk with the location of where I had planned my death. But I don't <em>want</em> to be saved by doctors. I-I am a disgrace to my family, Taekwoon. To you, to everyone around me. If I left today, no one would care. No one had cared up until now, and no one <em>will</em> care tomorrow </p><p> </p><p>  "People act sympathetic, but they don't get it. They don't get what it's like to live with a crippling illness that seemingly <em>always</em> follows you around; no matter where you go. They don't get what it's like to watch your blood trickle down your arm as you cut yourself for the hundredth time that month. They don't know what it's like to down a handful of pills. </p><p> </p><p>  "They don't know what it's like to want to <em>fucking</em> die every year that passes, every <em>fucking</em> month thinking about your next cut, every <em>fucking</em> week waking up with an empty heart, every <em>fucking</em> day knowing you're worthless, every <em>fucking</em> hour hating on a new person because they don't understand your struggle, every <em>fucking</em> minute wishing you could live a normal life and be happy, every <em>fucking</em> second, looking into the eyes of the person you love and watching them slowly break because <em>you're</em> too weak to do anything but die slowly," Jaehwan shouted every single one of his words, and every time his voice rose, more tears spilled down Taekwoon's cheeks.</p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan's face was contorted with anger, his eyes awash in sadness and lit with a fire of emptiness. Taekwoon could see his hands balled into fists, knuckles turning white at the pressure of shoving his fingers into the skin on his palms. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>~ To be continued... ~</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wahh this fanfiction is almost done...there's only a few more chapters to go. <br/>As much as I've enjoyed writing and posting this piece for your guys, I'm really <br/>excited to reveal all of the other stuff I've been working on this year - there's <br/>muchh to come eheh! </p><p>Anyways, have a blessed day/night everyone. And as always; continue to stay <br/>healthy, happy and safe. :3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Loving words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>* ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <b> extreme </b> care and caution.<br/>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. </em>
</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>"I-I <em>love</em> you, J-Jae," Taekwoon began to say, inching his hand closer to his boyfriend's face to cup his cheek, but the younger male pulled away from his grasp. </p><p> </p><p> "I don't <em>want</em> to be saved, Taekwoon. Can't you <em>see</em> that? Not by these doctors, not by my friends, not by my family," Jaehwan said, his voice slowly coming down from a shout. "And I don't want to be saved by <em>you</em>, Taekwoon."</p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan said those last words in such a whisper, Taekwoon had to strain his ears to hear the entire sentence. And the moment they slipped from his boyfriend's lips, Taekwoon could feel a knife stab into his heart - prodding deeper into him every second he thought upon those words. </p><p> </p><p>  Oh, that one sentence. How it hurt him so much, he could've died right there in that hospital chair. Taekwoon almost winced in pain as he felt the knife sink deeper into his soul - turning all of his happy feelings into dark ones. </p><p> </p><p> But alas, Taekwoon didn't say anything more and just cried in his chair. Jaehwan had closed his eyes again, and the room fell into a gripping silence for a long time.</p><p> </p><p> "Do you know how much I care about you, Jaehwan?" He finally asked, pulling himself together and facing his boyfriend again. Jaehwan opened his eyes, and they were <em>so lifeless</em> dull. "You're right; I might not know what it's like to live with crippling anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts, but I don't think you know how <em>I</em> feel</p><p> </p><p> "Every day, I watch you slowly fade into a darkness that I seemingly can't ever pull you out of. Have you ever thought about how much my heart breaks when I see those faded red lines on your arms and hands? How I cry myself to sleep at night because you were silent the entire day? How the only thing I can think about at work is <em>you</em>? How my boss always yells at me - practically every day - because I am constantly worrying about you? How I pray every night for you to get better, but it never happens?</p><p> </p><p>  "I would <em>kill</em> myself and give my heart to you if it meant you could be happy, Jaehwan. I would <em>impale</em> myself on a pole, <em>shoot</em> myself with a gun, <em>slit</em> my throat, <em>hang</em> myself, <em>drown</em> myself, <em>fall</em> off a cliff, purposely get in a <em>car accident</em>, if it meant that you could live a happy and fulfilling life. All I want is for you to get the help you <em>need</em>, and I think us breaking up will only hinder that. Sanghyuk and I- we care a lot about you </p><p> </p><p>  "And I <em>know</em> that in your letter you told me not to find you, but how did you think I was supposed to <em>take</em> that? Sanghyuk broke down because of all of this- he <em>cried</em> in my arms until I finally got your location out of him. A lot of people <em>care</em> for you, Jaehwan. More than you know. You just don't see it. But <em>I</em> care; so deeply that it tears me apart when I see you like this," Taekwoon finished, and it felt good to let everything out for once. He had been holding everything in for so long; tolerating and comforting silently. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>But he was going to change. This time, he wouldn't let Jaehwan slip from his grip again</em>. </p><p> </p><p> The younger male stayed silent for a long time, processing everything that Taekwoon had said. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>You shouldn't die for me. I am not worthy of such an honor</em>," Jaehwan's words cut like an icy blade across Taekwoon's heart <em>more assault on his soul and mind</em>, his tone jabbing into his chest like a ruthless fist. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Don't</em> say that. You mean more than the <em>world</em> to me. If something happened to you, I, too, would kill myself," Taekwoon replied, his tone serious, his mouth filling with the metallic taste of anger and tears. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan looked up at him, eyes heavy with exhaustion - but there was a certain fire burning in his orbs - a <em>scary</em> sort of fire. "<em>I'll make sure you don't come with me</em>." He seethed, and his voice was so thick with rage that it surprised Taekwoon. So much so that the older male scooted back in his seat in utter astonishment. </p><p> </p><p> Where was the Lee Jaehwan that <em>he</em> knew? Where was the bubbly, fun, <em>energetic</em>, quirky, Lee Jaehwan that he had fallen in love with back in college? Taekwoon honestly didn't know anymore. </p><p> </p><p> It was like they were both dancing through a storm; with Jaehwan as the angry spirit, trying to pull away from their dance, but Taekwoon kept a firm grip on his hand, pleading with him to continue their march - as he was the calm spirit. It was a sad kind of dance. It <em>wasn't</em> happy, and the storm around them only grew louder and stronger as they continued to play these kinds of stupid games filled with rage. </p><p> </p><p> "Let me <em>help</em> you, Jaehwan. We can get <em>through</em> this. This time, I'll go to your counseling sessions, <em>hell</em>, I'll even take your medicine <em>with</em> you. Just...<em>let me get close to you for once</em>," Taekwoon said finally, grabbing onto Jaehwan's hand in a rather urgent <em>desperate, as always </em>manner. </p><p> </p><p> The younger male pulled away from Taekwoon and yanked the cords away that were hooked up to his body. He quickly got out of bed and wrapped one of the hospital's robes around himself. </p><p> </p><p> "Where are you going? You need to lay down and rest," Taekwoon called after him, getting up as well and walking over to Jaehwan who was now standing by the door. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>What</em>? So you can lecture me on how you want to <em>understand</em> and <em>care</em> for me? Give it a rest, Taekwoon," Jaehwan mocked, his back turned to Taekwoon. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I love you, Lee Jaehwan</em>," is all Taekwoon said, <em>certainly</em> quietly. Jaehwan's hand was on the door nob, but the older male could sense his boyfriend freeze in his place at his words. </p><p> </p><p> "Don't be that way, that's not fair. Just why can't you leave me <em>alone</em>, already?" Jaehwan asked. But Taekwoon could already detect him breaking from the tone of his voice. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I love you, Lee Jaehwan</em>."</p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan stood completely still. </p><p> </p><p><em>  And when he didn't say anything, Taekwoon said those same five words once more</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I love you, Lee Jaehwan</em>."</p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan turned around finally, and Taekwoon could see the redness in his eyes, the tears threatening to escape from his expressive orbs and freely run down his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p><em>  And oh, how they wanted to escape their prison so badly</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "I just tried to <em>kill</em> myself, Taekwoon. Don't act like everything's okay," he said, but his voice cracked by the end of his words. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I love you, Lee Jaehwan</em>," Taekwoon said again, reaching out to his boyfriend and grabbing ahold of his hands. Jaehwan didn't pull away this time. </p><p> </p><p>  "And I'm not trying to act like everything's okay because I <em>know</em> it's not. But I won't give up on you - I won't give up on <em>us</em>. I won't leave you behind to '<em>find another person out there who's better</em>.' Because, <em>Jaehwan</em>, you <em>are</em> the only person out there for me. There <em>is</em> no one better than you. You are perfect, talented, exquisite, beautiful, handsome, funny, quirky, and many more things. But you are <em>not</em> a quitter. I watched you fight for your life just hours ago. And I know that you can fight to get through all of this- all of this stuff <em>now</em>, too. You just have to let me <em>help</em> you, <em>baby</em>," Taekwoon said all of his words in a loving tone, his voice quiet and only meant for Jaehwan to hear. </p><p> </p><p> And before Taekwoon could even react, Jaehwan was crying. And the older male <em>knew</em> that his boyfriend hadn't cried in a <em>long</em> time. Jaehwan was like that. He wouldn't cry for months on end, even when he was severely depressed; and then one day, it would just come out - sometimes uncontrollably - for hours on end. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I love you, Lee Jaehwan</em>," Taekwoon whispered into Jaehwan's ear. He was now holding him in his arms, their warm bodies pressing against each other in a comforting <em>familiar</em> sense. Jaehwan's muffled sons were the only sound in the room for a long time, as he pressed his face into Taekwoon's chest for support. </p><p> </p><p> "We'll get through this baby, <em>I promise</em>," Taekwoon finally spoke softly, as he wiped Jaehwan's excess tears. They had been standing like that, in the middle of the room, for a long time, with Jaehwan crying in the warmth of his boyfriend. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I'm</em> here for you, <em>Sanghyuk</em> is here for you, your <em>family</em> is here for you. We <em>all</em> care for you and love you so much, and you're worth all the gold and fine art in the world, Jaehwan," Taekwoon said, patting his boyfriend's back reassuringly as he continued to sniffle. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I-I love you, T-Taekwoon</em>," he whispered. Jaehwan's words were just <em>barely</em> audible, but as soon as Taekwoon heard them, he pressed a long, and sweet kiss atop of his boyfriend's lips. </p><p> </p><p> Their relationship might not have been in the best of places at the moment, and the thought of going to counseling together, and Jaehwan taking medicine for his depression, and Taekwoon getting control over his temper loomed over them like a heavy-weight. And the fact that Jaehwan had tried to commit suicide only a few hours prior made the air around the two of them heavy with sorrow and uncertainty. </p><p> </p><p> But even through all of the mess, Taekwoon had gotten Jaehwan to <em>stay</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>To listen</em>. </p><p> </p><p><em>  To talk</em>. </p><p> </p><p> <em> To cry</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>To share his feelings</em>. </p><p> </p><p> <em> To say 'I love you,' to him</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Jung Taekwoon had gotten Lee Jaehwan to dance with him in the storm - his kindness and love had won-over the angry wind-spirit. He grasped onto his younger boyfriend's hand so tightly as they moved through the dark weather, and he was waiting for Jaehwan to complain about how tight his grip was. </p><p> </p><p><em>  But he never did</em>. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon's biggest fear was losing Jaehwan. Losing him to a stupid illness that wasn't his fault. But he was certain that they could weather these storms - now that they had spoken to each other, poured their hearts out on the line, shared their feelings, and embraced each other for a long time<em> now that they had healed somewhat with one another</em>. Everything was going to turn out fine. The future was looking bright again. </p><p> </p><p>  <em>And most importantly, Lee Jaehwan was still standing by Taekwoon's side</em>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>~ To be continued... ~</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Life here has been quite hectic recently. I'm finally moving into a new place, yayy!.<br/>I'm really excited to finally get out of my place I'm in right now and start fresh.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p>* ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <b> extreme </b> care and caution.<br/>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </p>
</div></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitible for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. ~</em>
</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon sighed heavily as he began to unlock the door to his house. He had had an <em>awful</em> day at work; filled with boring meetings and filling out lots of paperwork - plus, he had been forced to talk with one of his annoying co-workers for his entire lunch break. He preferred the days when he could stay-at-home and cuddle his now-financé, Jaehwan. </p><p> </p><p> It had been over two years since Jaehwan tried to take his life, and things had seemingly gotten better. Whence they came home from the hospital after the whole ordeal, Jaehwan and Taekwoon started attending couple's counseling. There, they were able to share their feelings freely with each other and work through some of the problems that had been hurting <em>ruining</em> their relationship. Taekwoon found a counselor for Jaehwan, and the elderly woman helped him out a <em>lot</em>. She prescribed him some anti-depression medicine and suggested that he get a service dog. The dog would be able to calm Jaehwan down during some of his anxiety attacks and would act as Jaehwan's comforter when Taekwoon was away from the house for work. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan was so excited about hearing the news of getting a dog of his own. He chose a female Goldendoodle puppy, which he named '<em>Honey</em>,' and <em>loved</em> training the dog to become one of his best friends. They went <em>everywhere</em> together, and it warmed Taekwoon's heart seeing how happy his fiancé got when he was with Honey.</p><p> </p><p> Whence things got better for the two of them, Taekwoon finally proposed to the love of his life - and the engagement just made Jaehwan even happier. Jaehwan hadn't been working since the incident<em> attempt</em>, with Taekwoon being the only one bringing in the money for both of them. But he didn't mind. Taekwoon didn't mind having to work long, hard shifts at his job if it meant that Jaehwan was able to rest and be content at home; Taekwoon would do the most grueling work on the planet. And not to mention that his job paid well. Their house was just the perfect size for their <em>little family</em>. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Jae</em>, I'm home!" Taekwoon shouted <em>but not too loud</em> just as he walked through their house's front door. He was just beginning to place his things down on the kitchen counter when he heard a door upstairs shutting, and the pitter-patter of dog's paws and the thumping of human feet. </p><p> </p><p> A moment later, Taekwoon could see his boyfriend bounding down the stairs, Honey right by his side. Jaehwan was dressed in his '<em>comfy-clothes</em>,' which consisted of grey sweat pants and his favorite oversized hoodie that was red. It had taken Taekwoon a long time to stop associating Jaehwan wearing hoodies with bad things. For so long, whenever he'd see his boyfriend wearing one, he would automatically know that Jaehwan had been <em>cutting</em>. </p><p> </p><p> But his boyfriend had gotten better. They'd both gone to counseling and therapy for their problems. And if Jaehwan ever did feel the urge to cut, Honey would sense that something was wrong and try to stop him as best as she could. Jaehwan was protected <em>safe</em> now. </p><p> </p><p> "Baby," Jaehwan mumbled, reaching out to Taekwoon like a little child would for their parent. He grabbed onto the older male's waist and pulled him into a loose hug. Jaehwan nestled his face into Taekwoon's shoulder.</p><p> </p><p> "How are you feeling today, hmm?" Taekwoon asked softly. </p><p> </p><p> "Okay. I watched a movie today but didn't realize it had a sad ending. Oh, and I burned my toast that I was making for my PB&amp;J lunch."</p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon's heart pounded wildly in his chest at Jaehwan's words. He knew how in the past if his boyfriend had burned his toast, he probably would have kicked himself for being clumsy and stupid. And if he had watched a sad movie, he would've cried. </p><p> </p><p> But things were different now. Both Taekwoon and Jaehwan were changed<em> healed</em> men. </p><p> </p><p> "Mhm, I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm here now, and we've got the whole weekend to spend together," Taekwoon said after a few beats of silence. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan lifted his head from Taekwoon's chest and smiled that slightly-lopsided smile that Taekwoon <em>craved to see</em> loved. </p><p> </p><p> The older male leaned into the smaller one and pressed a sweet kiss against his lips. "<em>I love you, Jae</em>." </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan giggled quietly before kissing Taekwoon back. "<em>I love you too, Taek</em>."</p><p> </p><p> "Did you eat dinner yet?" Taekwoon asked after a few moments of silence between the two of them. </p><p> </p><p> "No, I was waiting for you to get home."</p><p> </p><p> "Oh, <em>baby</em>, you didn't have to wait, but thanks anyway. Do you want to order take-out?" </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon's boyfriend's eyes lit up at the thought of take-out. "Yes, please!" He exclaimed happily. </p><p> </p><p> Sometime later, their food arrived, and Taekwoon and Jaehwan had seated themselves on their living room's couch, watching a funny reality show. Honey was sitting in her bed next to them, calmly sleeping. </p><p> </p><p> Jaehwan laughed at the tv as he continued to stuff food into his mouth at a rapid pace. Taekwoon turned to look at his boyfriend, and his heart melted upon seeing Jaehwan smiling with food hanging out of his mouth. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon noticed a faint smug of sauce streaked across the corner of his boyfriend's lips, and before he could even stop himself, his face with inches away from Jaehwan's, his tongue quickly darting out of his mouth to lick the salty liquid away from the younger's beautiful skin. </p><p> </p><p>  Jaehwan stopped eating and looked at Taekwoon. They were now just centimeters apart, faces so close together they could feel each other's warm breath. Before Taekwoon could do anything more, Jaehwan pressed a firm kiss against his lips. </p><p> </p><p>  Taekwoon's eyes widened in surprise. Jaehwan was usually never the one to take the first initiative when it came to their...<em>romantic adventures</em>. Nonetheless, Taekwoon kissed him back. And this time, his lips worked against the others sensually. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>~ To be continued... ~</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow, this fanfic is coming to an end...this is the second to last update that I'll ever publish. It's been like a 'baby' to me for a long time now,<br/>but I feel so good having it finally published and out-in-the-open for everyone to read and appreciate. </p><p>Anyways, life is good. School is somewhat challenging, but that's to be expected lol. </p><p>Well, that's about all of my ranting for now haha. Thanks for reading~ ^^</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Never give up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p></p><div class="center">
  <p> * ~ Reminder &amp; trigger warnings: ~ * </p>
</div><p></p><div class="center">
  <p> R: the following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness<br/>(including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this<br/>fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <b> extreme </b> care and caution.<br/>Everything in the following fanfiction is completely fictional and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </p>
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    <hr/><p>
  <strong>‼️ Major trigger warnings ‼️</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>~ The following fanfiction contains mature and triggering themes such as suicide, mental illness (including depression and anxiety), anger issues, self-harming, and mentions of death. Some content in this fanfiction might not be suitable for everyone; so please read with <strong>extreme</strong> care and caution. Everything in the following fanfiction is completely <strong>fictional </strong>and is in no way, shape or form, true in the real-life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If you, or someone you know is currently suffering from suicidal thoughts and/or depression, anxiety, self-harm, or extreme amounts of stress, I urge you (or someone you know) to text or call the following National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - <strong>1-800-273-8255</strong>. Help is available. You are never alone. You deserve to live a happy life. I love you. <strong>You matter</strong>. </em>
</p><p>"I'm glad tomorrow's Saturday," Jaehwan spoke softly. They had just finished taking a shower together, and we're currently laying in bed. Jaehwan cuddled closer to Taekwoon, with the older acting as the '<em>big spoon</em>' - as he often did. Jaehwan wrapped his arms around the former's waist and pulled him close to his body, pressing his forehead against Taekwoon's chest. </p><p>~</p><p> </p><p> "<em>Mhmm</em>, and why is that?" Taekwoon asked, lazily <em>carefully</em> playing with his fiancé's long locks of beautiful, chestnut-brown hair. </p><p> </p><p> "Because I get to spend the entire weekend with my <em>amazing</em> fiancé." </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon stopped playing with his hair and made Jaehwan look up at him. "You act like I'm never off from work on the weekends," he chuckled lowly. </p><p> </p><p> "But it sure feels like it," Jaehwan stated seriously, and his delicate hands were now pressing against Taekwoon's plump cheeks, guiding the older male's face downwards until their faces were centimeters apart. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>Thank you, Taekwoon</em>," Jaehwan now whispered, and his warm breath tickled the older's lips. </p><p> </p><p> "Whatever for?"</p><p> </p><p> "For not giving up on me, even when <em>I</em> wanted to."</p><p> </p><p> Silence fell upon the room as Taekwoon absorbed every word that had just fallen from Jaehwan's sweet lips. And only a moment later, he felt his gentle, kind, <em>strong</em> fiancé press a kiss against his lips. Jaehwan's lips were so delicate, so soft, so...<em>familiar</em>. Taekwoon always made sure to take caution when he kissed his fiancé, he was always afraid of hurting the younger's sensitive - yet <em>beautiful</em> - mouth. </p><p> </p><p> Taekwoon melted further into Jaehwan's touch and pulled the younger closer. "<em>You're so very welcome, my love</em>," he muttered against his fiancé's lips. </p><p> </p><p> "And thank you for staying with me, even though I've got a ton of problems," Taekwoon said to Jaehwan after they had pulled away from their kiss. </p><p> </p><p> "Well, you're <em>my little problem,</em> then," Jaehwan joked, earning a squeeze of the arms from Taekwoon. The younger giggled out in playful anguish. The room fell into silence again, as the two men started to drift off to sleep. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I love you, Jung Taekwoon</em>," Jaehwan muttered after a long time. And by the sound of his voice, Taekwoon could tell that his fiancé was slowly drifting off to sleep. </p><p> </p><p> "<em>I love you too, my little Lee Jaehwan</em>," Taekwoon replied quietly, ruffling the younger's fluffy hair. And Taekwoon closed his eyes, letting the darkness of sleep wash over him with a calming sensation about it.</p><p> </p><p> But even though he was starting to doze off, he could <em>still</em> feel the warmth that radiated <em>love</em> off of Jaehwan's body. He could <em>still</em> feel the younger's thin arms wrapped<em> always wrapped</em> around his torso. He could <em>still</em> feel the side of his fiancé's head press <em>gently</em> against his chest. He could <em>still</em> hear the sound of Jaehwan's soft <em>peaceful</em> breathing as he drifted farther into dream-land. </p><p> </p><p> And Taekwoon smiled to himself. It wasn't a fake smile, or a sad smile, or even a <em>happy</em> smile - but a content smile. He was content with how his life had turned out. He was content that everything had seemingly worked itself out. He was content that he would be able to sleep next to Jaehwan for the rest of his life. He was content knowing that he was partly the reason why his fiancé was still here. He was content, knowing that he would get to spend the rest of his life gazing upon Lee Jaehwan's beautiful <em>angelic</em> face. He was content, knowing that he would get to feel Lee Jaehwan's lips kiss every inch of his body. He was content, knowing that he'd get to feel Lee Jaehwan's arms wrapped around every part of his body. Jung Taekwoon was content, knowing that in the end, Lee Jaehwan's heart was still <em>living</em> beating; knowing that his love for his fiancé had been the one thing that had saved Jaehwan from leaving this world. </p><p> </p><p> And no matter what would happen for them in the future, Taekwoon knew that nothing was going to change his relationship with Lee Jaehwan. </p><p> </p><p> Nothing was going to change the eternal love that he had for the younger man now sleeping in front of him. </p><p> </p><p><em> Not even death</em>. </p><p> </p><p> <em>And that was something that he could truly be happy about</em>. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>     ~fin</strong></em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wow, this fanfic is finally complete! It feels like I've been writing/uploading this for soo long ahah, but <br/>I've truly enjoyed every second of it. I hope this story was able to help any of you guys' through your own <br/>hardships in some way. </p><p>As always; continue to stay safe, healthy and happy. And thank you soo much for reading, it truly means <br/>the world to me that people actually take an interest in my work; things that I put so much effort and love <br/>and thought into. :))</p>
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